Riddle Me This

A few weeks ago at rehearsal during dinner break, discussing the wonderful-ness of dessert:

ME: My friend owns her own cookie company. She's a baker. And she makes the most AMAZING cookies. I'm serious. Her cookies are the Tom and Jerry's of cookies. Mmmmmm. (I continue eating my dinner, happily remembering my friend's cookies. My actor friends are silent.)

Finally...

ACTOR FRIEND 1: (Confused) Tom and Jerry's. What's Tom and Jerry's?

ACTOR FRIEND 2: (Confused) Tom and Jerry's is that cartoon with the cat and the mouse.

ACTOR FRIEND 1: Did you mean BEN and Jerry's?

Laugh laugh laugh. Ha ha ha.

ME: Yeah. Ben and Jerry's.

Laugh laugh laugh. Ha ha ha.

ME: Story of my life.

***********************************

Between shows this weekend, discussing sausage. (Have no idea how and why we were discussing sausage.)

ACTOR FRIEND: I'm not really a sausage link person. I'm more of a patty person.

ME: Yeah. Just give me the James Dean. That's all I want.

ACTOR FRIEND: ......

ME: .....

ME: Jimmy Dean. Jimmy Dean. Dangit!

Riddle Me This

As I'm getting ready to leave this morning (I'm in Oklahoma for a cousin's wedding), I say to Seth:

Me: Well hun, I'm glad you'll have the weekend for your dissertation. You can really, ya know, bite the bullet.

Seth: Awww, that doesn't sound good.

Me: What?

Seth: Bite the bullet means like, to die.

Me: It DOES?!?! No way! I thought it meant to like, ya know, suffer through it. Get it done.

Seth: No, I think it means to die.

Oh SE-eth. I have a little something to SHOWWW YOUUUU!

Please click here. Hurry! Now! Everyone! Click!

Change of subject. Before I go on, I must insert here: I don't know a lot about designer stuff. Really, I don't. I don't go out and try to buy the best brand names, because I've never cared, and anytime anyone's said to me, Oh my gosh, this handbag I saw was amazing. It was (insert designer brand name here), I think: I have no idea what that means.

Now, along with hand-me-down clothes, I recently got a hand-me-down handbag. Designer. Louis Vuitton.

More on this later. But I had to preface for this next section here.

OK, so after I laugh about the phrase I THOUGHT I'd botched and ask Seth to please not tell anyone, it's time to go. I pick up my sheek Louis Vuitton designer handbag, realizing fully the unprecedented moment, and with renewed vigor SAY:

Me: WELL! Me and Vidal are outa here.

Seth let me get all the way to the door before correcting me.

Oh, and Seth? I think you meant: Bite the dust.

HA! Take THAT oh power in the universe that jumbles up all my phrases of good intent! haHA!! One point: FancyPants.

Riddle Me This (4)

Fancy: If it rains one more time in this forsaken town...I swear it's gonna be like that movie...what's the name of that movie?...The one with Kevin Costner...Aqua Land? Somethin' like that.

Seth: Um. Water World?

Fancy: Yes.

*********************************************

I can't remember the context of this next one, but it's the newly created word "submotage" as in:

The office employee brainstormed ways to "submotage" his co-worker competing for the raise.

Riddle Me This (3)

Some riddles for you. Have at it, fancied friends. I think you'll find these....simpler...than others.

The following is a conversation between me, Seth, and Seth's dad, last week on the way to see Seth's sister, (OpMom).

Seth's Dad: Oh, I know I shouldn't be worryin' about those things, but I do.

Seth: Dad, you worry too much.

Me: You're like my dad. Both of you are Papa Hens.

Seth: AGHH HA HA HA!

Seth's Dad: Aww, that was pretty cute.

Me: Dammit! I KNOW hens are girls!

And here is a conversation once we get to OpMom's house. (whose permission I have not received to post this, but I'm sure she won't mind.)

Me: Your house looks great, OpMom!

OpMom: Thanks! I hated the way the previous owner left it. So I stripped the wallpaper in the kitchen and painted, and I'm about to paint the walls in the living room and dining room.

Seth: Wow, OpMom, that's alot of work.

OpMom: Yeah, but I decided it was time to take the ball into my own hands. (Upon saying the word "ball" she holds out her hands in front of her as if she's holding a basketball.)

Silence.

Seth: AGHH HA HA HA!

OpMom: What?

Me: You switched your phrases. It's OK. I do it all the time.

Riddle Me This (2)

1) Prior to Seth's doctoral comprehensive exams:

Mom: What did you guys do last night?

Me: Well, I stayed up and read while Seth studied. He was burnin' the midnight hour, let me tell ya.

Mom: Oh, really?....?

2) After Seth passed his doctoral comprehensive exams:

Seth: Man, I am SO glad those are over.

Me: Yeah, no kidding. But I'm really proud of you. I mean, you worked hard, really put the iron to the...oh wait,
this isn't gonna be right...iron to the mill?

I caught myself that time.

Riddle Me This

The following is a conversation with my brother today on the phone:

Fancy: Mom and Dad can't fault me for wanting to move away from them.

Baca: Whadoyou mean?

Fancy: Well, think about it. Of all of Mom's 9 syblings, she's one of the few that moved away from her parents. She was the odd goose of the family.

Baca: The odd goose? (pause, chuckle, pause, laugh) You mean.....(laugh, laugh, laugh)

There's the riddle for you, friends. Care to try and solve? (Baca and Seth, you have to wait.)

Confessions of a Big Time Nerd

I should preface my post today with a few insignificant facts that prove to you that I am a smart person. Forgive me if it comes across as boasting. This is unintended. It's merely what you should know before I begin to reveal my idiosyncrasies and uber-quirkiness. So...

#1) I graduated at a relatively high rank in my high school class of 1,392. (OK, I was 12 out of 1392.)

#2) I graduated from Baylor University summa cum laude with a GPA of 3.96

#3) I like to read. I like to write. I like arithmatic.

I credit most of my grades to being a hard worker, diligent, thorough. Basically a nerd. I also have good genes. Both the parents are smart, so my brother and I turned out A-O-K.

But I also inherited something else from my parents. Well, just my mom, really. And that is the incredible talent of mistakenly combining two well-known idioms or phrases and by doing so completely getting it wrong. Or mixing up the words and letters so that what comes out of my mouth sounds like wacky jibber jabber. It's the very reason why I feel sorry for President Bush when David Letterman does his "Great Moments in Speeches" segment of his show.

Sometimes, dare I say usually, I don't realize what I've done until I notice the look on Seth's face. He looks off into the distance with a slight squint in his eyes and confounded look on his face, while his mouth is always slightly curved upward into a half smile, his lips silently repeating my slew of words or mixed up phrase. While I continue with what I deem worthy conversation, he suddenly blurts out what I meant to say, immediately followed by a burst of laughter, me realizing that yeah, that is what I meant to say, the conversation totally lost, me joining the laughing spell, all the while thinking, wow I really need to remember that one.

Seth says they're like riddles that he gets to figure out, some easier than others. So, I thought I'd let you try to figure some of them out. Here we go...

What did I mean to say when I said:

#1) "I don't know where the pen went. Did you check in all the crook and nannies?"

#2) "I can't believe how crowded that airport was. It was a real hubbub."

#3) "He was kidding the whole time, completely pulling my arm."

#4) "He was totally kidding, completely yanking my leg."

#5) "He was kidding the whole time, completely twisting my leg." (#3-5 are the death of me. I can never get them right. And anyways, only one really means to kid around but for some reason I just think you can mix and match.)

#6) "The town was a real honkey donk tank" (You'll never get this one. I can't believe I'm sharing this. I was even confounded as the phrase came out of my mouth.)

#7) (This one occurred today at the breakfast table, and I apologize if you are from Arkansas.) "We played in Arkansas during our tour, and man, driving through that place, it was just totally backsticks."

So there you go. Me in worst form. Good luck.