Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Behind the Black and White Dress

If I were to be completely honest with you, I would tell you how, when I was at that fancy shmancy party on Saturday night, I hated walking around by myself. That I felt ridiculous and out of place. That I kept noting how my dress seemed a little tighter, and kept wondering if my purse was too big. It didn't match my outfit.

How I wanted to be the one on that stage, and how when I watched Kristen, a looming sense of doom crept deeper and deeper within my spirit. Thoughts like, I'll never get there. I'm not that good. Am I that good? How did she get there?

I might seem really bad to you, if I tell you all of this. But then again, to some Christians, I was already really bad because, every once and a while, I enjoy a good martini.

And then, some of you will know exactly what I'm talking about. Some of you know what it's like to walk amongst pictures of what you're not, and have *something* tell you that you don't have it and won't get it. Something tell you, lie to you, that it will make you happy. Lies of comparison and envy.

So maybe by me saying all of this we can help each other realize that comparison bites and should be thrown straight to hell. That success is an illusion, that money doesn't make us happy.

Some people believe that pursuing a dream is selfish, self-fulfilling, self-pleasing, especially if this dream is found *in* the world. When in fact, that pursuit requires perpetual self denial, diligent cross bearing, insistent battle with temptation. Specific temptation tailored just perfectly for the targeted soul, exposed and vulnerable. Things are not always what they seem.

P.S. To my good friend, Kathy, if you're reading, please don't stop inviting me when you get to do Kristen's hair. These thoughts in this post are merely one side of the coin. I am honored I was your guest and next time, I'm making myself talk to Aaron Sorkin.


Chaotic Hammer said...

And then, some of you will know exactly what I'm talking about.

Wow, you have no idea how right you are.

Thanks for this post, Fancy. You've done a great job of capturing a larger part of our human experience in this one microcosm. Most of us have these same thoughts and feelings, and few will admit it.

Amy said...

yeah. comparison is the devil.

Fork said...

I was going to post a comment, but it got so long I decided to turn it into a post. Proceed to the 42nd Floor, Fancypants.

Popcorn said...

Amber I love your transparency. Are you coming to town with S? Hope so.

cool dad said...

You mirror my thoughts. Sometimes my dreams seem SO big. And I love to compare myself to and eventually envy those in the positions that I want to be in.

And then the age factor kicks in, too. My only hope, which should always be my only hope, is that God's plan is supreme and that He wants the best thing for me.

This Southern Belle said...

One of my favorite posts--it took me so long (and sometimes I still forget) to realize that the devil tailors temptation to capitalize on our individual weaknesses.

BTW, my purse almost never matches anything. ;)

FancyPants said...

Pop, sadly, no.... I have to stay here this time around. Boo.

Cool Dad, I know what you mean about the age factor. I feel that here. I'm alot older than most of the girls in the audition room. But I've come to learn that it's an advantage, actually. I'm more grounded, for one thing. And God blessed me with my husband before this other stuff, which is something He knew I needed. God's plan will look different for every single one of us. And if you've got some dreams you want to pursue, age doesn't really matter. It's just the going about it might change a bit.

For example, Seth and I agreed that I wouldn't audition for tours. (There's a ton of tour auditions here and actually I'd be more likely to land a gig like that...) They usually last 6 months to 1 year. BUT I'm married, and we never wanted to be apart like that, so it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. That has to do with age. Most other girls here aren't married so they don't have to worry about it. Then again some are married, and they tour anyway. But it's not for us... So I had to come to the realization that God can open doors for me in other ways, if that's His will.

TSB, my unmatched purse carrying hero! =-)

Popcorn said...

Fancy, love that boundary you and hubby set for no touring.