Saturday, December 20, 2008

Umbrella Walking

It snowed yesterday. Quite a bit. All day long. I don't know how many inches, but it was a lot. This is me out in the snow.

Note two things in the picture above. 1) The UGGS. 2) The Umbrella. The UGGS turned up useless by the end of the day because surprisingly and unfortunately, UGGS are not waterproof. My socks spent the latter half of the day drying over the heater in our living room. The Umbrella however (yes, with a capital "U,") was my hero.

Umbrella walking in New York City is not an easy task. It is not a task like crossing the street, which becomes more instinctual with time. Umbrella walking simply sucks. Each time. Every time. It is not fun. It is painful. And it is unfair. All this because people don't give a rat's boohiney about how their umbrellas invade your space, or poke your eye out, or scrape your head, or catch and pull your hair. It's each man for himself. Stay dry no matter the cost.

I have often wondered, why am I the one who always moves my umbrella out of the way for YOU. Why am I always the one who sees the man or woman about to pass me and lifts my umbrella higher than the oncoming traveler's so that the two umbrellas do not interlock and mangle themselves to pieces. Why do I have to get extra wet because I'm avoiding a gazillion little pokey things that could have a detrimental effect on my face.

And fancied friends, I have come up with a solution to my quandary, and the answer lies in that picture you see at the beginning of this post.

See how that Umbrella is very LARGE?

Hmmmm? See it?

That's the solution! That's the answer! You see, before yesterday I was walking around with a rinky dink umbrella that flipped inside out with every gust of wind. It was a mere child's thing! Useless. Weak. UNmenacing. Shrinking back from every bully umbrella that came its way. A disgrace to the umbrella race it was. A disgrace to the umbrella race.

But NOW. I've upgraded. Yesterday I was walking along and all of the sudden a man next to me said, "Woah!" and had to do a Neo (you know, like one of those slow motioned back bends) to avoid my Umbrella. As I walked the block I noticed those around me swerve and duck and dive and maneuver, while I peacefully walked along on the ever so beautiful white winter day.

I returned home with wet feet and both eyes.

My Umbrella. My hero.


cool mum said...

on item number 1: UGGS appear to turn into sponges in wet weather...I'm always amazed at how many there are around. Waterproof boots are the way to go!

on item number 2: please tell me what type of umbrella survives in the wind tunnels! i've almost given up and resorted to raincoats. the largest most expensive (haha) one i could find at duane reade broke instantly even though it said it was wind proof.

Chaotic Hammer said...

This is so cool. And the clues are all falling into place. C'mon, admit it, FancyPants. You're really the modern-day Mary Poppins, aren't you?

Kristin said...

Looks like so much fun!

The giant umbrella is genius.

Seth Ward said...

This is classic wife-steals-husbands stuff. And WHOOOO bought this umbrella??? And WHYYYY was it bought??? I will tell you.

This umbrella was bought by yours truly because yours truly was given wife's unbelievably poopy and pitiful umbrella on the night of a monstrous rain/wind storm. Within seconds of being exposed to a nasty rainstorm, the wife's poopy umbrella was obliterated and I was soaked to my organs. I felt like I was on the bough of a atlantic fishing boat in a hurricane. The poopy umbrella was as limp and as useless as a dead pelican.

So, yours truly stopped at the nearest crusty mart and bartered for 5 minutes with an arabic man over his biggest and baddest umbrella.

Enter wife: Wife sees umbrella, later that evening, and wants. She claims and husband is powerless to argue as wife flashes her big green eyes and engages in deadly sweet talking.

The man taking the photo is left with a very colorful and inferior umbrella, one that with every step questions his manhood.

Thus is life.

The real story behind the music, folks.

Super Churchlady said...

I've been in NYC on rainy days and participated in the umbrella wars. Fortunately - I'm so short - I can inflict MORE pain and misery on those taller umbrella carriers than they can on me. (one of the only advantages of being vertically challenged that I can really think of...)

Kelly said...

Love it, Seth, thanks for th behind the scenes write-up! You and Fancy are total genuises!!

This Southern Belle said...

Cute picture! Oh, and I feel the same way about driving down residential streets. Why am I always the one to pull over so people can pass? Do I need to drive a bigger vehicle, maybe?

FancyPants said...

Cool Mom, I think Seth answered your question as to where to get the kickin' umbrella.

C-ham, I'm not sure if I should answer you lest you tell me some kind of story about Nanx dressing up as Nanny McPhee or something.

Kristen, why thank you.

Seth, what is all this about stealing? if I recall correctly, you OFFERED that big umbrella to me. Whadoyou have to say to that? Hmmmm?

SuperC, rock on short lady.

Kelly, why thank you.

TSB, YES you need a bigger vehicle. Just see what happens!

The Aimful Wanderer said...

The only thing worse than trying to navigate NYC streets with an umbrella is trying to be navigate them with your girlfriend with only one tiny umbrella purchased in a downpour from those street vendors who magically appear two seconds after the rain hits with a cart of tiny black wimpy umbrellas. This results in much romantic discord when it is your beloved girlfriend who pokes your eye out when she selfishly attempts to hold the umbrella directly over her head which is four inches shorter than yours.

But with your Umbrella... my goodness, you could keep the entire Duggar family dry with that thing.

MamasBoy said...

Regarding your boots, two words.

Sorels Rock.


tiny dancer said...

hey cute purse :)

Roy said...

A big, sturdy umbrella is worth having. Especially in Houston. I have one of these.

I should also mention that if you'd like to get away from small-town New Yorklesburg and come back to the big city, there are auditions for a non-paying production of Beauty and the Beast.

Merry Christmas!

FancyPants said...

Aimful, the Duggar family is not allowed under my Umbrella.

MB, thanks for the tip!

TD, hey thanks. This really great girl made it for me. She's pretty fantastic.

Roy, thanks for the heads up. Merry Christmas to you, too!

Cetatzeanul said...

I had so much fun reading your blog. As a fellow here said, you really look like the modern Marry Popins ! :) New York City Walking Tours